houstery Tools

I still remember the first time I tried to email a holiday photo to my grandmother.

The file was 12 MB.

Gmail sneered at me like I’d just asked it to lift a grand piano.

“Nope, too heavy.”

I stared at the screen, genuinely surprised.

It’s only a picture, I muttered.

How can a bunch of pixels weigh more than a bag of sugar?

That tiny frustration—ridiculous, I know—sent me down a rabbit hole I never planned to visit: image converters, compressors, PDF mergers, the whole quiet circus of “make-my-file-smaller” tools.

Ten years later I’m still in the tunnel, but at least now I carry a flashlight.

Let me switch it on for you.

WHAT EVEN IS AN IMAGE CONVERTER?

At face value it’s boring: software that turns a JPG into PNG, or TIFF into WebP, or BMP into whatever alphabet soup you need.

But behind that dull definition hides a world of trade-offs.

Color depth, transparency, lossy vs lossless, metadata, licensing quirks, browser compatibility, print-shop tantrums.

Pick the wrong format and your gorgeous sunset snaps come back from the lab looking like a toddler’s ketchup masterpiece.

I learned that the hard way when a print shop charged me thirty bucks to re-color a whole batch because I’d exported everything in RGB instead of CMYK.

Thirty bucks!

That’s four burgers and a milkshake.

So, short version: an image converter is your passport between countries that speak different visual languages.

Carry it, or you’ll get stuck at customs.

COMPRESS, RESIZE, OR BOTH?

People mix these up all the time.

Compression shrinks file size; resizing shrinks dimensions.

You can compress without resizing (Instagram does it automatically and brutally) or resize without compressing (hello, 500-pixel-wide PNG that still weighs 3 MB because it’s a gradient explosion).

I usually do both.

My rule of thumb: if the photo is only going to live on a web page, 1600 px on the long edge and 80 % JPEG quality is the sweet spot.

Looks crisp, loads fast, Grandma’s data plan survives.

If I’m sending something to a designer friend who might crop or color-grade, I keep it big and barely compressed—like a 70 % quality JPEG or a lossless WebP.

Yes, the file balloons, but creative freedom costs disk space.

By the way, don’t ever let anyone shame you for hoarding megabytes; storage is cheap, regret is expensive.

THE PDF THING—WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE IT?

PDFs are cockroaches: they’ll outlive us all.

Open a PDF on a Mac, on a 1998 Windows box, on a phone, on a fridge screen—boom, identical layout.

That reliability is why job recruiters, universities, and tax offices worship the format.

But PDFs can be sneaky heavy too.

Drop twenty high-res scans into one document and suddenly you’re towing a 200 MB trailer.

Try emailing that to a sleepy HR intern.

Good luck.

MERGING PDFS WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND

I used to concatenate PDFs with an ancient copy of Adobe Acrobat that my old workplace “forgot” to uninstall.

It worked, but opening that program felt like booting a space shuttle.

These days I hop online, search “merge pdf,” click the first non-shady link, drag, drop, done.

Ten seconds.

Magic.

Of course, the free sites usually watermark the corner or limit you to five files.

Fine by me; I just rename my files chapter-1, chapter-2, etc., and upload twice.

Sneaky? Maybe.

Frugal? Absolutely.

LET’S TALK TOOLS—THE ONES I ACTUALLY OPEN

ImageMagick

Command-line voodoo.

Terrifying at first.

Then you type one line and watch it batch-compress 400 photos while you make coffee.

Hooked for life.

Squoosh.app

Made by Google Chrome team.

Drag a photo, wiggle a slider, see real-time before/after.

I once squeezed a 2.4 MB hero image down to 180 KB with zero visible loss.

I actually giggled.

My wife asked why I was laughing at a laptop.

Hard to explain.

XnView MP

Old-school interface, blazing fast.

Great for bulk resizing.

Also plays 500 exotic formats you’ve never heard of.

If you’re a digital packrat, install it.

ilovepdf.com / smallpdf.com

Browser-based, no install.

Merge, split, compress, add page numbers, even repair corrupted PDFs.

I keep both bookmarks because one of them inevitably hits a daily limit when I’m on deadline.

Murphy’s law of freelancing.

Built-in OS tricks

Mac Preview lets you export a PDF to “Reduced Size.”

Windows Photos lets you resize by percentage.

Nothing to download, zero learning curve.

People forget they already own screwdrivers before they buy a cordless drill.

THE ETHICS BIT—COMPRESSION VS QUALITY

Every time you compress, something dies.

Maybe it’s a barely noticeable smoothing of skin pores.

Maybe it’s the subtle film grain you loved.

You’re trading bytes for beauty, and the exchange rate changes with every picture.

I’ve seen photographers almost come to blows over “JPEG 70 vs 85.”

Sounds nerdy, but I get it; we’re deciding how much of our work we’re willing to sacrifice for speed.

My micro-opinion: if the image is meant to be printed on metal and hung above someone’s sofa, keep every last bit.

If it’s a WhatsApp sticker, smash that quality slider to 60 % and move on with your life.

REAL-LIFE SCENE—LAST WEEK’S PANIC

Client emails: “Hey, the banner on our site loads like dial-up in 2003. Fix?”

I check: 6 MB JPEG, 6000×4000 pixels, embedded color profile the size of a novella.

Also, the CMS is stretching it to fit a 1200-pixel-wide box.

Face-palm.

I resize to 1200×800, compress at 75 %, run it through ShortPixel for an extra 15 % saving.

New weight: 98 KB.

Page speed jumps from 8.2 seconds to 1.4.

Client thinks I’m a wizard.

Honestly, I just deleted pixels nobody was going to see anyway.

But hey, I’ll take the praise.

THE SURPRISE USE-CASE—ARCHIVING FAMILY PHOTOS

My mother unearthed a shoebox of 1980s Polaroids.

I snapped them with my phone, cropped the carpet background, saved as TIFF because I’m sentimental.

Folder size: 3 GB for 120 images.

Then I made a second folder—JPEG, 2000 px tall, 80 % quality, 310 MB total.

Guess which folder I actually open to browse?

Yep, the small one.

The TIFFs sit on a backup drive like a safety-deposit box.

Compression isn’t always about sharing; sometimes it’s about not scrolling through a glacier every time you want nostalgia.

PDF MERGER IN THE WILD—WEDDING PLANNING

My wife and I planned our wedding during peak COVID chaos.

Vendors kept sending single-page PDFs: contract, menu changes, seating chart, playlist form.

By month three I had forty-three separate files.

One night, at 2 a.m., I dumped everything into a merger, clicked “combine,” and boom—one 96-page master plan.

I slept better knowing I wouldn’t lose the cupcake order in a subfolder titled “final-final-v3.”

Small victory, huge relief.

THE HIDDEN COST OF “FREE” ONLINE TOOLS

Nothing is free.

If you’re not paying cash, you’re paying with data.

Uploading sensitive client designs to RandomPDF dot com?

Cool, just assume they’re keeping a copy.

Read the privacy policy—oh wait, there isn’t one.

My workaround: if the file is confidential, I compress or merge offline.

If it’s a public brochure, I’ll risk the cloud.

Paranoid? Maybe.

But I’ve never had to explain a data leak, either.

MOBILE APPS—HIT OR MISS?

I’ve tried at least thirty iOS apps promising “one-tap shrink.”

Most shower you with ads for flashlight utilities.

Two stand out:

  • JPEG Optimizer (simple slider, no watermark)
  • PDF Expert (handles giant portfolios, lets you reorder pages with drag-and-drop)

Android friends swear by “LitPhoto” and “PDF Utils.”

Your mileage may vary; app stores rotate names faster than I rotate socks.

AUTOMATION FOR LAZY PEOPLE (LIKE ME)

I have a folder on my desktop called “DROP HERE TO SHRINK.”

Thanks to a tiny Python script glued to ImageMagick, any photo I fling in gets resized to 1920 px, compressed to 75 %, and pops out in a subfolder within two seconds.

Setting it up took twenty minutes on a rainy Sunday.

It has saved me literal hours since.

Automation feels like hiring an intern who never sleeps and never spills coffee on the scanner.

BATCH RENAMING—THE FORGOTTEN CHORE

You compress 300 images, dump them back on your desktop, and suddenly they’re named IMG_2345-copy-copy.jpg.

Chaos.

Bulk rename utilities (I use A Better Finder Rename on Mac) can append pixel dimensions or file size right to the name.

Sounds trivial, but when a client asks, “Which version is the small one?” you can answer without opening anything.

Trust me, future-you is lazy; make life easy for that person.

WEBP VERSUS JPEG—THE NEW COLD WAR

WebP is Google’s baby: smaller, supports transparency, modern.

JPEG is the old king: universal, idiot-proof.

Safari finally adopted WebP in 2020, so now even Apple fans can enjoy the 25 % savings.

Still, some social platforms automatically convert WebP back to JPEG on upload, stripping your meticulous optimization.

Rude.

My compromise: I serve WebP on my portfolio site with JPEG fallbacks.

Best of both worlds, extra work be damned.

VECTOR VS RASTER—WHEN COMPRESSION FAILS

Logos should be SVG, not PNG.

Why? Because SVG is math, not pixels.

You can zoom to the moon without jaggies or bloat.

I once inherited a client’s “logo” that was a 3000×3000 PNG weighing 800 KB.

Every page load carried that chubby graphic.

I redrew it as SVG: 12 KB, crisp at any size.

The designer in me did a little pirouette.

THE “GOOD ENOUGH” PRINCIPLE

Perfectionists hate this, but most viewers can’t tell the difference between 80 % and 85 % JPEG quality on a phone screen.

A/B tests prove it again and again.

So I adopt the “good enough” rule: compress until I can see a change, then back off one notch.

Done.

Move on.

Use the spare time to pet the dog.

PRINTERS ARE FROM 1995

Ever tried to upload a modern compressed JPEG to a photo kiosk?

Some machines still expect 300 DPI baseline JPGs with no progressive encoding.

If your file is “too progressive” (ironic, right?) the kiosk barfs.

I keep an uncompressed TIFF folder just for printing.

Yes, it’s double storage, but I’m tired of arguing with a robot that thinks my 800 KB masterpiece is “corrupted.”

THE CAROUSEL OF DEATH—SLIDESHOW FILE SIZES

Sales teams love PowerPoint.

They also love pasting 5 MB screenshots on every slide.

Result: a 120 MB deck that clogs Outlook.

I run a macro that compresses all images to 150 DPI, deletes cropped areas, and converts to JPEG medium.

File shrinks 80 %, nobody notices.

Pro tip: save a second copy before you macro, just in case the universe hates you that day.

CLOUD COMPRESSION—GOOGLE’S SHORTPIXEL PARTNERSHIP

If you use WordPress, install the ShortPixel plugin.

It compresses uploads automatically, serves WebP to capable browsers, and even backs up originals.

I let it loose on an old blog and chopped 4 GB down to 1.1 GB.

My hosting bill dropped six bucks a month.

Over a year that’s… (carry the one) …seventy-two tacos.

THE “OOPS-I-FORGOT-METADATA” MOMENT

Strip metadata if you must, but remember: GPS coordinates, camera settings, copyright—gone forever.

I once uploaded a photo to Reddit, compressed and squeaky clean.

Someone asked, “What lens did you use?”

I couldn’t answer.

Embarrassing.

Now I keep a private “master” with EXIF intact and a public “share” that’s stripped and tiny.

Paranoid? See above.

THE EMOTIONAL ENDING—WHY ANY OF THIS MATTERS

We live in a world that demands bigger, sharper, louder.

8K TVs, 100-megapixel phones, 600-DPI e-readers.

Yet the internet still runs on copper wires and data caps.

Compression is compromise, but it’s also courtesy.

A lighter image loads faster on a subway phone with one bar of signal.

A slim PDF doesn’t blow through someone’s monthly data in a single download.

Every kilobyte I trim is a tiny act of kindness to a stranger I’ll never meet.

That, and I just like fast websites.

Call it selfish altruism.

1. The Day I Realised Google Was Ignoring Me

It was raining.

My traffic wasn’t.

Zero clicks, 47 impressions, one sad little flat line in Search Console that looked like the heart-rate monitor of a stuffed animal.

I remember whispering to my laptop: “I hit publish, didn’t I?”

The laptop did not answer.

That silence pushed me into the weird, nerdy arms of SEO analysis tools—software that promises to tell you why Google treats your masterpiece like wallpaper.

Spoiler: the software was right, my ego was wrong, and the ride since then has been half science, half soap-opera.

2. So, Uh, What Is an SEO Analysis Tool?

Short version: a robot that reads your page faster—and harsher—than any human ever will.

Long version: a bundle of crawlers, metrics, and colour-coded panic buttons that audit technical health, keyword relevance, backlinks, page speed, mobile-friendliness, schema, internal links, image alt text, Core Web Vitals, and, occasionally, your will to live.

Some live in the cloud (Ahrefs, SEMrush, Moz, Sitebulb, Screaming Frog’s SaaS cousin).

Some live on your desktop like digital trolls (looking at you, Screaming Frog local).

Others are WordPress plugins that shout at you while you write (Rank Math, Yoast, SEOPress).

Pick your poison, pay your money, or don’t—there are freebies, and we’ll get to them.

But first, let me explain why I now open one before I open Google Docs, not after.

3. Cause → Example → Face-Palm

Cause: I wrote a 3 000-word guide on “best coffee grinders.”

Example: I lovingly described 14 grinders, added affiliate links, shot custom photos, even made a comparison table that took me two episodes of The Office to finish.

Conclusion: six months later the post sat on page 4.

Page 4 is the wilderness.

Page 4 is where hope goes to practise origami with itself.

I finally ran the URL through Ahrefs Site Audit: missing H1, 17 broken internal links, 4-second Largest Contentful Paint because of an uncompressed hero image the size of Belgium.

Oh, and the keyword was “coffee grinder” but my title said “Bean Masher Extraordinaire.”

Google is smart; it is not a mind-reader.

4. Free Toys That Actually Work (No Affiliate Link, Pinky-Swear)

Combine those eight and you can perform surgery on most small sites without spending a cent.

Will it be slower than a paid stack? Yep.

Will it teach you the fundamentals so you don’t drown in shiny-object syndrome? Also yep.

5. Paid Giants – My Credit Card’s Perspective

Ahrefs: starts at $99, feels like leasing a Lamborghini to deliver pizza.

SEMrush: $119, dashboard looks like mission control at NASA, has a writing assistant that nags you about tone.

Moz Pro: $99, gentle learning curve, great for beginners.

Sitebulb: $13.50 a month, prettier reports than Screaming Frog, loves visualisations.

Screaming Frog unlimited: £149 a year, crawls millions of URLs, turns your fan into a jet engine.

Enterprise tools: Conductor, BrightEdge, Searchmetrics—pricing hidden behind “let’s hop on a call.”

Micro-opinion: buy the cheapest plan that covers your crawl limit, upgrade the minute a client can expense it.

6. Metrics That Sound Scary But Aren’t

LCP: how long until the biggest thing appears.

FID: how soon the page reacts when you click “buy now.”

CLS: how much the layout jumps while loading.

Crawl Depth: how many clicks away from homepage.

Text-to-HTML ratio: meh, don’t overthink it.

Keyword Density: write like a human.

DA/DR: useful for comparisons, useless for bragging.

7. Real-Life Walk-Through – Auditing My “About” Page in 7 Minutes

Copy URL.

Paste into PageSpeed Insights.

See 42 mobile score, roll eyes.

Expand “Reduce unused JavaScript” – culprit: a chat widget one guy asked for once.

Deactivate plugin, retest: 78.

Run through Screaming Frog: missing meta description, two duplicate H2s.

Fix, resubmit to Search Console.

Go make tea.

Next morning: impressions up 18 %.

Causation? Correlation? No idea. But the tea was nice.

8. Keyword Research Module – Where the Wild Clicks Are

Most tools share the same seed data from Google Keyword Planner, then remix it.

Ahrefs shows parent topics.

SEMrush lists variations at warp speed.

Moz colour-codes difficulty.

Beginners chase 10 000-volume trophies; pros chase 50-volume long-tails that convert.

I once ranked #2 for “left-handed coffee grinder for arthritis.” 70 searches a month. 9% conversions.

9. Content Gap Analysis – Legalised Snooping

Enter competitor domain → tick your domain → click “Content Gap.”

Instant list of keywords they rank for and you don’t.

Steal, update, repeat.

I added a cheap manual grinder I originally ignored—moved from #9 to #3.

10. Backlink Audit – The Good, the Bad, the Spammy

Tools show who links to you, anchor text, do-follow vs no-follow, DR, first seen, lost date.

Sudden drop? Link gone.

Sudden spike? Could be negative SEO.

Disavow works. Use carefully.

I disavowed 600 Russian casino links in 2019—traffic recovered in two weeks.

11. Site Architecture – Crawl Budget for Dummies

Google gives you a crawl budget: use it well.

Deep, bloated sites waste it.

Every page should be reachable in three clicks.

Use breadcrumbs—they’re digital breadcrumbs without the witch.

12. Schema Mark-Up – Speaking Robot to Google

FAQ, Product, Review, HowTo—structured data prevents algorithm confusion.

I added FAQ schema to 10 posts; CTR up 2.3 points.

13. Mobile-First Index – The Sky Already Fell

If your desktop site is perfect but your mobile requires thumb yoga… you lose.

Shrunk font from 18 px to 16 px—suddenly buttons fit.

14. Core Update Panic Button

Updates hit, traffic tanks, chaos ensues.

Run audits, compare competitors, wait.

Sometimes Google simply “re-evaluates quality.”

Translation: improve content, reduce fluff, breathe.

15. Reporting to Clients (or Your Future Self)

No one reads 60-page reports.

Send one summary page: health, issues, traffic change, next steps.

Use traffic-light icons. They love traffic lights.

16. My Favourite Stupid Mistakes – Top 10

  1. No-indexing the whole site by accident.
  2. Blocking CSS in robots.txt.
  3. Writing meta descriptions 320 characters long.
  4. Embedding YouTube video above the fold.
  5. Using “click here” 400 times.
  6. Letting WordPress create /page/2/ duplicates.
  7. Redirect loops http→https→http.
  8. Installing 17 SEO plugins.
  9. Optimising for a keyword with zero volume.
  10. Forgetting to renew the domain (my cousin did).

17. Integrations – Making Tools Talk to Each Other

Slack alerts for DR drops.

Zapier sending PageSpeed to Sheets.

Looker Studio blending GSC + GA into dashboards.

18. When NOT to Trust the Tool

It demands 2.5 % keyword density.

It calls your 2 000-word article “thin.”

It flags legit links as toxic.

It shows FCP as 1.8s when your real phone feels like 4s.

Tools are approximations—use them like GPS, not commandments.

19. The Future – AI, SGE, and Other Acronyms That Scare Me

SGE puts AI answers above your links.

CTR drops for info content.

Tools add “AI overview” modules.

Next: LLM optimisation, entity salience, conversational intent.

My hedge: build brand, build email list, write memorable stuff.

20. Signing Off – One Last Micro-Opinion

I used to think SEO tools were spinach—good for you but boring.

Now I see them as seasoning.

Use too little, bland.

Use too much, overpowering.

Sprinkle, taste, adjust.

Then close the tool and write something a human actually wants.

If your traffic still looks like a stuffed animal’s heartbeat, at least now you know why—and that’s oddly comforting.